ALLEN

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

The most beautiful words are not “I love you”, but “It’s benign”.

There are (far / much / way / worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

HYPOPHORAS: Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. (not either one)


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Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.